Deep Sad

This is a deep sad.

Waxing and waning more frequently than the moon.


Musings on a Day Off After the Dentist.

I went to college to become a teacher.

An early childhood educator.

And that’s how I ended up sobbing at the dentist.


have always meant embarrassment for me.

Two jagged front & center

thanks to a rogue stair step and the excitement of fresh Michigan corn on the cob.

The hygienist didn’t mean to make me cry,

with her words at least,

but she did invade my personal space.

Calling out my life failures with her fingers in my mouth.

I have no idea what I have been “called” to do,

not a clue, lady.

In a way I feel I will be relieved once I finally have kids.

Like the focus will no longer be on me, alone.

The questions will shift and small talk will lighten.

I will be proud to share.

Right now it is hard to be proud of aimless.

It is hard to be proud of meh.

Yet I’ve convinced myself that I am trying.

I am trying.

But what am I doing?

My husband and I have adopted the motto of “Doing Things!” In short, it means don’t sit on the couch and waste your life, your soul away. Get up and do something! It honestly doesn’t matter what: a mile is a mile, a page is a page.

Forward movement is forward movement and we are all fucking human, you guys.

Then the panic sets in.

The anxiety of what? embarrassment? failure?

Yup, all of the above.






The Good Ones.

My definition of a good partner is one who will take the stinky trash out at the end of the night.  He’ll be shimmying into his shoes so good.  Doing the dirty work for his family.  Even in our apartment complex where he has to walk it all the way to the dumpster.

See that is honor to me.  And the willingness to take on that honor?

That, my love, is grace.

But a good one will also help you carry the heavy.  And I mean more than just the groceries and the luggage and the moving boxes.  I mean the heavy on days when your heart has sunk and you are exhausted from the weight of living.  When it feels like you are trapped under a thick, wet blanket and you are trying to breathe through a straw.  Once you start looking, it is easy to understand why we all are so drained; this world is riddled with mean and sad. While too many sad say goodbye, there is no good that comes of mean, only sad or more mean.

I believe this is why my heart would only settle for the most kind.  It had seen enough sad, and enough mean, to know when it had finally seen the good.  The happy, the peaceful, the kind.  He is truly the kindest man I know, aside from my father. And that means everything to me.

He also takes out the trash.

Time Just Happens.

I have always been in a hurry to grow up.

To get to the next thing via checks on a list.

To get through the next semester, the next month, week,

and today, well even just the day.

Sometimes time flew by so fast I felt cheated, but sometimes it dragged on until I begged it to stop completely.

And I, in between it all, forgot how to look at the present.

I was so worried about what time was wasted and what time was waiting.

I forgot that that time just happens.

and still, I am simultaneously overwhelmed by how much time I have lost

and how much time I have left.


My brothers and I.

When looking back at old childhood photos, what I love most is our facial expressions.

The smiles are big for a reason.

We are each looking at,


smiling at, and being loved by,

our father. And our father makes us laugh.

I am here.

Love is continuing to call even when you get sent to voicemail.

Today, yesterday, last week.

It is so easy to stop reaching out when you feel there are no hands reaching out in return.

You may be busy, overwhelmed, or avoiding life.

But I will keep calling until you have the time for me.

I don’t expect a call back, yet I hope that you will.

For now, I will keep calling until you are ready to face life together.

Today, tomorrow, next week.

This love looks different than the rest.

Love is driving your partner to work during a snow storm.

Love is feeding your partner when they are too exhausted to cook

Love is bringing your partner a glass of water

especially in the middle of night.

Love is taking care of each other.

Love is support.

But love is also accountability.

Love is calling each other out on bad habits, while encouraging good ones.

Love is lifting each other up, especially when there is need for an extra push.

Farmer’s Market.

Corn on the cob, husked by my not-yet-husband as I tend to the tomatoes.

Accidental vegetarians, farmers.

Fresh cut watermelon made the air taste sweet.

Followed by the smell of blueberry peach muffins, the essence of summer.

Hand-folded batter, sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and love.

Windows open, crickets singing over your voice,

“Mmm those muffins are smelling real good, Babe.”

Tonight, I will sleep with a full belly, full heart.



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