We were living two very separate lives from the start. We came from opposite backgrounds and went to school cities away from each other. We were both in the process of growing up, but the adults we were becoming could no longer coincide in the same way we were able to as kids. Because, honestly, that’s what we were. We were just kids who fell in love without thinking about what distance can do to a person. You see, absence made the heart grow fonder. Absence made the heart forgive much quicker than it deserved to. When the distance is that great, you tend to focus on the good rather than spend the precious time you have together on the bad. So when he was here, it was great. But in the meantime, I spent too much of my goddamn time waiting for him. Waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him to make up his mind. Waiting for him to grow up as fast as I had. The problem was, he never asked me to wait for him.
Yet it was implied. The day he got an out-of-state job offer, he told me he would only move away if I moved too. He said he didn’t want to spend another day apart from me and I agreed. That was the plan. So we spent the next year of our still separate lives 709 miles away from each other as I finished school. In that year he created a new life for himself while I struggled to stay in my own. The problem was, the only thing I was looking forward to was him. But when the day finally came for me to pick up my entire life and join his, he decided that he couldn’t handle the commitment. He couldn’t handle the possibility of getting married then divorced. He decided that I was not worth the risk of failure. He gave up before we even had a chance.
The truth is, I am relieved. Having time to reflect, I have learned that what I wanted was a dream. What I wanted was not him, but a husband. I did not want to live in that city. I did not want to leave my friends and family behind. Even though I wanted to leave this place more than ever, I know now that if I had moved, I would have been miserable. He was not the kind of man I wanted to marry but I was killing myself trying to turn him into one. Why? Because he was the boy I fell in love with. But that charming boy was just a child in a big boy’s job who wanted to be free from all responsibility. And that is the last thing that I want. Looking back, neither of us were happy, but we still cared about each other so we held on to what we had. We did our best to make it work for longer than we should have. I should have realized that he was looking for an out.
The last time I saw him before our world fell apart, we played this song in the car. Transportation had always been our thing and every car had felt like home with him. I remember it feeling odd because I was the one who was driving even though I hated to drive. As we listened to the music in silence, there was a foretelling feeling of resolution. We hadn’t spoke about an end but it was there in that car with us and Jack Garratt was giving him permission to go:
Pick apart the pieces you left,
Don’t you worry about it, don’t you worry about it.
Try and give yourself some rest
And let me worry about it, let me worry about it.
So he left And it broke my heart. I didn’t eat for a week because I had spent the last 4 years of my life creating a future in my mind and now that future would never exist. It sucked, but I survived.
Though I am far from thanking him for doing what he did or how he went about doing it, I have found it unexpectedly easy to forgive him. It was not a future that either of us wanted and I truly believe that we will both become better people because it never happened.
And yes, I am still healing. There are days that still hurt, but there are so many more that do not. You see, time is a beautiful thing.
And thanks to time, I have finally found peace.