Last night I dreamed that I was the one down on one knee.

An unconventional proposal because tradition was already ruined.

You don’t realize how much of a wedding is centered around

a father

until he is gone.


Looking up at my love, hands shaking from nerves,

all I could think was how badly I wanted to make him

a father.


I woke up in his arms and turned to whisper “Good Morning”

Half sleep, he put his forehead to mine

pressing silent vows into my third eye.

I exhaled and the dream was gone.


There is no rush this time.

There is no uncertainty.

I’ve already seen our daughter in his eyes.









Last night I dreamt of driving in the snow.

Icy roads, poor visibility, hazardous conditions.

Yet the city was silent.

The snow fell so softly its as if someone pressed pause

And I was the only one who couldn’t stop moving.

Have you ever watched a car crash in slow motion?

It’s breath taking.


Sitting Next to My Father.

I saw my dad last night for the first time in a long time.

He was sitting, quiet and still, in a church pew. I was walking into the sanctuary in a single file line with my peers. As we squeezed into his row, I positioned myself so that I was the one who was able to sit next to him. I leaned against him in such a familiar way that I remember finally feeling safe. There really wasn’t much more to the moment than that. There was no dialogue or even eye contact that was exchanged between us. The whole time his eyes were fixed straight ahead, but I knew that he knew I was there. We didn’t hug or embrace in any way, but it didn’t matter. My whole being was content simply sitting next to his. Simply feeling the warmth of his shoulder against my own, simply hearing him breathe next to me. My heart hurts when I think of how happy I was just to see his chest rise with every breath that he took.  He was alive and he was here! He smelled like stale hazelnut coffee, aftershave and Old Spice. His hands were still rough, folded in his lap. His wedding ring still scuffed and well worn. The only thing that was different was his eyes. They no longer felt tired, exhausted from the weight of his life. His brown eyes were so deep that you could get lost just by staring into them. And now they looked young but they were wise. I wanted to reach up and touch his five o’clock shadow, feel the wrinkles on his bald head, but instead I turned and looked straight ahead as well. I sat, quiet and still, and breathed the same air as my father.


When I woke up in the morning, it took me a while to recover. The moment was fading and my heart was still so full of love that I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that it was a only a dream. I miss him every day, but I am thankful to have these moments. They remind me that I was insanely lucky to have a dad like him. He taught me how to be patient and kind, but still goofy and playful. He taught me how to put together a bookshelf and fix a dishwasher. He taught me that if there is something that needs to be done, I should do it, not to look good or win brownie points, but because that is the right thing to do. I am absolutely the way that I am today because of my father and I am thankful for that.


Picture 161

This is one of my favorite pictures of him. I believe it was day light savings time, and he was setting his alarm clock back an hour before bed. It’s blurry and imperfect, yet it captures him in a very ordinary moment of his life. There is nothing special surrounding the story behind this photograph, its just him living his life and that is why I love it.

You Are What You Dream.

I have had a lot of crazy, weird, fucked up dreams over the course of my life. They say you are what you dream, but I pray to God that’s not true. If it is, I’ve got some shit to sort out.

As a child, I had two reoccurring dreams that followed me for many years. The first dream only happened when I was much younger, but the second dream still finds it way to me, even at 23.

In the first dream I am always walking into the local Meijer grocery store. As I am passing the penny horse named Sandy, there is a woman standing in the corner. This woman is tall, unconventionally beautiful, yet intimidating. She has snakes for hair and now that I’m older, I’m starting to think that she was Medusa. I look around, but no one can see her except for me. No one seems to notice the snakes continuously moving about her head. She has her finger to her lips, warning me to be silent. She knows and I am scared. When I look into her eyes, I do not turn to stone. Instead, the eyes I see are my own and they are begging to be saved. I always wake up before I can close my eyes or look away.

To see Medusa in your dream signifies cunningness and terror. Alternatively, the dream may imply that you are draining all of the energy out of others. You are burdening others with your problems and putting a strain on the relationship. -DreamMoods

Being the youngest of four children in a household where money was already tight, there is no doubt that I was draining the energy out of my parents. As most children are, I was selfish. Quite honestly, I was a brat up until the age of 12, just ask my brothers. But then I grew up and got over myself. I realized how my actions were affecting those around me, especially my parents. I’m not quite sure what happened, but there was a day when it just clicked. I understood how the world worked and saw that my parents were doing the best that they could. I understood that being selfish and throwing fits were only causing more problems for everyone. The funny thing is, I don’t remember having this dream after that moment of realization.


The second dream is really a nightmare and in it I am stuck running in slow motion. The context of the dream is ever changing. Some nights I am running along a familiar track, other nights I am in a forest or on a grassy hill or in the middle of a wild flower field. Often times I am alone or separated from other people, but some nights I am on a crowded street, surrounded by unrecognizable faces rushing past me in every direction. My body is asking, begging to make any sort of movement and my heart is pounding as I try to break past the hold that is keeping me in place. My legs have abandoned me. I feel as though a magnet is pulling me to the ground and every step I try to take is a struggle. All I want to do is run. But no matter how hard I try, I can never keep up. I can never get to the edge of the forest or the top of the hill. I can never reach the finish line. I always wake up in a sweat.

After doing some research, I found out that this is a fairly common reoccurring dream to encounter. Because so many people have had this dream, there are a million interpretations out there. Out of the dozens of the dream interpretation books and articles I have read about this dream, only one really resonated with me:

“Your legs represent your fundamental drive as you push yourself forward through life. If you feel that your legs are moving slowly, then you feel that there is something resisting your progress in waking life.” -Ian Wallace, a psychologist and dream expert

Like Damn! Okay! I see you, Wallace! Getting right to the point! I feel metaphorically stuck in real life so I’m literally stuck in my dream. I feel like I’m going no where in life. I feel as though everyone around me is flying through life, while I’m still learning how to walk. Well done Wallace, you got me.

So how do I become unstuck?

Whenever I have felt in limbo about an issue in my life, I have been known to talk it to death. I call and text me friends redundantly over the same issues that have me feeling in a loop. Lately, I have been trying to switch things up by planning events that are out of the ordinary routine. For example, I decided today to run a half-marathon! I have always been a runner and with the right motivation, I have hope that with an end goal set on the calendar, I will feel like progress is being made towards that goal. There may be other areas in my life that are not moving forward, but at least something is!

Alternatively, if you are feeling stuck, I have found the app Unstuck to be very useful. The app walks you through a questionnaire to help you figure out in what way you are feeling stuck. It then provides advice and ideas on possible ways to become unstuck. It’s worth giving a shot when you get to the point where you really don’t know what else to do.


So whether you believe that dreams are simply a random collection of pictures you see during the day all jumbled together in your sleep cycle or you believe they represent your subconscious fears and desires, there is one important takeaway. You dream what you dream for a reason. Maybe it is just a dream about Meijer and Medusa because I went to the store on the same day I read a Greek Mythology book. Maybe it is because I needed a wake up call to my selfish behavior. Regardless, I think there are valuable lessons to be learned if you pay attention to your dreams.


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